Saturday, October 25, 2008

How To Break A Heart

The key is to pluck the heart from the victim's chest.Pretend you're going to stow it away somewhere safe,but really stuff it into your backpocket or purse.

Smile like everything's perfect but get your hands ready to shape,like a potter.Spin the poor fool around and around in your hand while constantly applying false sincerity in order to preserve naivete.That's right,shape the target into anything you please;a clingy sap,an envious monster,a lapdog,or maybe something that'll just stay put and keep quiet,like a scarf or watch.Just drape them around your shoulders or wrist.You pick their shape?Good,next phase.

This is going to involve some acting,but don't be intimidated,your line's only three words long,just smile sweetly when you say it and maintain eye contact.Then when they believe you,absolutely without a doubt believe you,you chuckle in the privacy of your home.After you've had a good laugh call them up and say you need to talk,sound sad and concerned and above all innocent.When you meet up at a restaurant order a lemonade,wait for it to arrive,take a sip,then another and then end it.

That's right,end it right then and there.But make sure you say something like we can still be friends or you'll find somebody nice.Then,right before they distraughtly stalk out of the door,muttering slurred curses under their breath to ease their burning throat,return that barely beating little keepsake they so willingly entrusted you with.It should be oddly shaped by now,with bits and pieces missing here and there from constantly sitting on it or toting it around.Don't worry,just toss it back to the previous owner and resume sipping your beverage.After all,you shouldn't be wasteful.And don't ever under any circumstances feel guilty,you did the person a favor,I mean,next time they'll know better.

All Comments Welcome

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Top Ten

I went back and forth with myself on whether or not to continue posting The Top Ten blogs according to me,I decided not to for awhile but I read so many great blogs that I restarted The Top Ten.All good things are supposed to come to an end but this good thing hasn't run its course yet.So,with the exception of this post I've decided to list my Top Ten blog picks the first Tuesday of every month.Finally,here are this month's Top Ten.

There are The Top Ten,if you didn't make it,don't worry there are many more Top Ten posts to come.Just keep blogging and I'll keep reading.

All Comments Welcome

Saturday, October 18, 2008

What Happened To My Monopoly Playing Cat

So,someone asked me what happened to my cat that beat me at monopoly,good question.But just to let you know right off the bat, I did not begrudge my feline friend for his good fortune in board games.How could I ?He was a great pal,an Egyptian mau that never told any of my secrets,endured my endless whining throughout the ninth grade,tolerated my twisting and turning as I slept,and greeted me everyday as soon as I walked through the door after a long day of school.
Okay,okay,I admit he wasn't the epitome of perfection,he had a few shortcomings.He jumped on the counters,stole a fried egg directly off my father's plate( gobbling it down within seconds),he had a slight addiction to food,and he would always place a paw over one of my siblings' mouths when he tired of their yapping.Not to mention he hid behind doors and under furniture vigilantly waiting for an unsuspecting human to pounce on,he always took great joy in attacking me first thing in the morning.But I'm getting off track,back to what happened to the cat.
Well,it was towards the latter part of my freshman year of high school.My parents convinced me to allow him to become an indoor/outdoor cat.Although,I strongly protested my mother and father let him outside while I was in school.For some reason my cat never came back and although I madly searched I never found him.There are two theories as to what became of him.The first is that our neighbor,a middle-aged woman with a fluffy ,white cat of her own stole my cat.It's not that farfetched since she always seemed so fond of him.The second theory is that he joined a rough crowd of alley cats and ditched his life as a pampered housecat.
Although I still have old photos of him I've become the human companion of a pair of black and white kittens.They steal food,sleep on all of the furniture,and pounce on eachother instead of me.And no,they don't play monopoly or any other board game.

All Comments Welcome