Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Jan bought a cat for her grandmother,how nice,or so she thought. Little did she know that her grandmother's home nurse would refuse to assist in caring for the feline on the basis that she was horribly allergic (she worked in a pet shop for six years and never so much as twitched her nose while in the presence of a dozen cats).That left Sir Whiskers in the reluctant but capable hands of Jan. As she packed the cat's belongings in the trunk of her compact she wished she would've adopted one of those lifeless porcelain knickknacks from the home shopping network. Surely the nurse wasn't allergic to those.

"You should know that I won't put up with you clawing my curtains or attempts at slaughtering my goldfish." She said as she drove to her modest apartment across town near the library, where she organized and shelved books as a librarian. "Do you understand Whiskers? I can't believe I go to the trouble of finding a companion for my grandmother and the nurse refuses to help a lonely old lady.Bitch."

That night was the first of many that Whiskers bounced off the walls (chasing the shadows of passing cars),knocked over numerous objects,and kept Jan awake for hours.Gradually,she began to grow accustomed to Whiskers and his shadow-stalking.She also became accustomed to his torment of Willy (her goldfish),his habit of scratching her legs whenever she ate a meal with tuna as a primary ingredient, and his incessant mewing.

Years passed and Whiskers became swollen and grouchy from both aging and neutering. Jan acquired two more cats and frequently contemplated on expanding her feline family. Eventually she housed thirteen,twenty-seven if you include the fourteen porcelain ones she'd purchased from the home shopping network.The town came to call her the cat lady,rather appropriate.

Now you may very well be wondering what in the world the moral of this story is.It's simple really, cats are interesting pets, either you begin to become so incredibly obsessed with them that you begin collecting them like snow globes,you have only one cat but start to humanize it to the point that those dreadful cat-clothes one frequently sees have made their way into your closet,or there's always the possibility that the cat will drive you utterly mad and your facial expression regularly resembles that of the feline in the above photograph. In short, before you go out and purchase a little furball all your own, make sure you are a chemically balanced individual who will not under any circumstances become a cat collector,force the animal to wear degrading articles of clothing,or lose your sanity due to an inability to cope with the rigors of befriending a feline. If an excessive number of cats appeals to you or you're rather fond of kitty wear,then turn on the nearest television set,locate the home shopping network,and order one of those shiny,abnormally frightening porcelain figurines instead.

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